Monthly Archives: August 2010

What a Feminist Looks Like

The Patriarchy, , , ,

Things that I hate:

  1. Patriarchal beauty standards and the ensuing unrealistic pressure to be thin.
  2. How fucking fat I am.

Like many of the women I know I have dealt with various casual eating disorder issues.  And I hang out with a pretty feminist cackle of rads. Every once in a while we have conversations like:

Lady #1: Well, that was in high school when I was spitting out all of my food after I chewed it…

Lady #2: Oh yeah… I never thought of that one.

or

Lady #1: You look so good in these pictures.

Lady #2: I know. I was only eating one piece of bread a day.

Lady #1: Ugh… I can never do that anymore.

I know it’s fucked up.  I know that this is a way that we keep women in their place.  I believe in beauty at all sizes.  I believe women are more than their bodies.  Just, you know, not me.

And I think the worst part– I mean besides the nagging self-hating voice in my head– is that there is a part of me that knows this is intrinsically tied to my feminism.  That I want to be heard, and to make an impact, and to be strong and influential for my movement, and that (write it) if you want to sleep with me you will listen to what I have to say.

Missing the point? Yes.  Letting the Patriarchy win? Yeah.  But that’s where I am.

Maybe after I lose 20 pounds…

*Picture by Josh Ellingson

A Completely Informed and Fair Reveiw of a Show That Hasn’t Come Out Yet

Ranty Rants, Television, , , , ,

Everyday on my way to work I pass billboards for a new show coming in September called My Generation.  Each sign has a picture of one of the 20-something characters and a quote.  Here are the 4 I begrudgingly drive past everyday:

Sly Looking Blonde Lady: “You know this ring comes off, right?”

Bashful Nerdy Guy: “I should have said yes that night.”

Sassy Brunette: “You may have his hand, but I have his heart.”

Other Pretty Lady Whose Hair I Can’t Remember: “When I’m with him, I’m thinking of you.”

Is it just me, or do these quotes make you want drive up to Studio City and burn down the ABC offices (after warning your friend who works there to skip work that day)?  After a little research I learned that blonde lady is the wife of guy whose heart belongs to brunette.  As far as I can tell this show is going to be entirely about whiny, regretful cheaters.  Love triangles! Disposable marriages!  Sad nerds who pathetically regret not saying a thing one night who-knows-how-long ago!  Trite high school stereotypes grownup!  Nostalgia porn!

Remember the first season on Glee?  Remember how the teacher was married to a spiteful she-wolf (not the sexy Shakira kind; the bitchy, pretending to be pregnant for 5 months kind) who we were obviously supposed to want him to dump?  I hate that.  And I have a feeling that’s where this show is going.

I understand that it’s way more fun to watch people get together because love is all new and exciting.  Maybe no one wants to watch riveting conflict scenes like:

Amber: My life is falling apart and I need you to drive me to a CVS an hour and a half away so I don’t have to think about how much I hate not having a job I love.

Mr. Barnes: Um… OK.

Amber: Sob! Cry-snot! Sob!

Or

Amber: Why did you tell me you deadbolted the door when you didn’t deadbolt the door, and you KNOW how afraid of serial killers I am!

Mr. Barnes: Because you asked me long after we were in bed and the bottom lock was LOCKED!

Fine.  Real marriages that are fairly healthy and happy may not be the most interesting to depict.  But how I tire of the one-dimensional, bitch wife.  Cheating isn’t a nice thing to do.  Even if the ball-eating harpy you married doesn’t care about your love of choir.  I don’t find you sympathetic.  I don’t want you to realize how much you really feel for that girl you know from work/high school/next door who totally supports everything you do because the extent of her character development is that she wears a cardigan.  I don’t buy that she knows you better than your stuck up wife just because you star gazed with her ten years ago.  You know why?  Because your wife is married to you.  She lives with you.  She sees all the gross stuff you do in private and once watched you barf up stomach lining.

From what I read, this show is about people who graduated in 2000, which is a year before me, so by “my generation” they actually mean my generation.  Frankly, if this is how we’re being depicted, I take umbrage.  I don’t know anyone who’s still broken up about some love from high school.  In fact I barely know anyone who talks to people from high school.  I was pro-life in high school.  Shit changes.  If you’re regretting not saying something ten years ago you have serious problems and should seek counseling.

Anyway, I know virtually nothing about this show, so everything you just read might be totally unrelated to the actual series.  BUT THAT’S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM HATING IT.  ABC, you’re on notice.

Note: ABC Family, you’re fine. How could I be mad at the network that brings me Secret Life of the American Teenager and Pretty Little Liars?  Smooch!

Your Vagina is a Little Drab

Human Behavior, , , ,

I know this is sort of last year or something, but in the past week, I have been assaulted (figuratively!) by articles and posts about -barfy word warning- “vajazzling.”

For those who don’t know it’s “bedazzling” (gluing cheap crystals) on your vagina (“vaj”).  Because everyone knows that vaginas are disgusting and/or bor-or-ing and the only way anyone can ever tolerate looking at it/touching it/putting their penis/other body parts in it, is after it’s been shaved and disguised to look like a cell phone or some other non-threatening device.

Who does this?  Who is it for?  I’ve been forced to learn that you should not have sex with your vajazzled vagina because friction causes the cheap crystals to fall off, and I can’t imagine glue or hard rock-like substances being very comfortable down there.  Why does it keep getting marketed to me like some kind of pro-lady statement of independence and fempowerment?  Like I’m supposed to hit my stripper aerobics class, have a ladytini, and get my vaj sparkled with ma gurlfrans!   Jennifer Love Hewitt says that she vajazzled after a break up and “it really helped” (she dedicated an entire chapter to it in her book.  An entire chapter.)   Other than showgirls (for whom I 100% endorse this), it seems like the the purpose of…it… is so when you’re done you can tell people and remind them that you do, in fact, have a *eyebrowraisechindip* vagina. You know, like, sex. Like the place you have for the sexing. You’ve got one.  Ohmigawd, we’re so naughty!

Can we stop, please?  Can vaginas just be vaginas ?  I mean, groom if you must (Note: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY YOUR VAGINA EXISTS IN IT’S NATURAL STATE), and you know, shower, but can’t vaginas just be sexy on their own?  Why must you torment them with your waxing and your surgeries and trying to make them “shine like a disco ball” (The reason Jen LOVES it!!!ZOMG!Independent LA-DAY!1!!)?

And why does spell check keep telling me “vaginas” is not a word?  You can have more than one vagina, firefox. Sersly.

UPDATE: While “vaginas” is an acceptable plural form of “vagina,” the other plural word (that firefox accepts) is “vaginae.”  WHO KNEW?!

UPDATE #2: WordPress doesn’t accept “vaginas” or “vaginae.”  WordPress, what do you think a gynecologist looks at all day?  It’s not one vagina.


PSA: Your First Amendment Rights Are Not Being Violated

Helpful Tips, , , ,

Dear Dr. Laura, Sarah Palin, and the legions of idiots on internet boards and talk shows,

Your First Amendment rights are not being violated.  I understand that it’s a confusing matter. You’ve been far too busy slut shaming single mothers and telling black people not to marry outside of their race, or not completing your term as elected governor so you can make Youtube vids about how Republican mommies aren’t gonna make the country ants-on-a-log if it doesn’t stop sassing back, to read the actual Bill of Rights.  It’s not easy making a living off of being an asshole to people or trying to “refudiate” logical bills with a series of home-spun-isms. So I’ve made a simple quiz to help you understand when it is or is not true that your First Amendment right to free speech is being violated:

Question 1: Are you being silenced?

A. Yes

B. No

Question 2: Are you actually being silenced?*

*Must answer “No” if you have participated in any talk shows, news shows, print media, or other public forums

A. Yes

B. No

Question 3: Is Congress or another government agency involved?

A. Yes

B. No

If you answered “A” to all of the above questions, rally your militia, your constitutional right to free speech is being violated!

If you did not answer “A” to all questions, your rights are not being violated. Instead you are being whiny and resentful that you are not the only American with free speech. That’s right, other people also get to speak and that includes disagreeing with you or calling your sponsors to tell them how much they don’t like you.  You are not permitted to use the following phrases:

“I thought this was America.”

“Whatever happened to free speech?”

“I didn’t know we turned into Nazi Germany!”

“You guys are a bunch of Constitutional Obstructionists!”

And especially not this gem (from Sarah Palin’s Twitter), though I’m not sure it has any English meaning:

Steps aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t American,not fair”

I Know I Wasn’t the Only One Awake in History Class

Ranty Rants, , , , , ,

Recently I was discussing France’s Burqua ban on one of the many commie-pinko-feminist sites I visit.  I believe it’s an assault on religious freedom, regardless of my personal feelings on the article of clothing in question, and expressed that.  The woman I was discussing it with replied that, perhaps because she wasn’t religious, she didn’t feel restricting certain religious behaviors was that bad.

Now I’m not the kind of person who gets all misty eyed thinking about how number one America is, but if there is one thing we’re totally rocking, it’s that whole Bill of Rights thing.  Yes, I dream of emigrating to Canada, that great land of free health care and clean cities, every time the SCOTUS makes a horrible call as much as the next jaded liberal.  But I truly question, Sarah Palin style, anyone’s patriotism who doesn’t think freedom of religion, speech, or press are that important.  WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA AND GOD?!

Listen, lest you forget, freedom of religion is the freedom not to be religious.  It’s the freedom to be a part of a minority religion.  It’s the freedom to never be told that you have to believe or not believe anything.  It is the most American value we have.  Anyone who values their own beliefs should be worried, appalled even, when we start restricting (non-infringing-on-others) religious practices.  Because you’re in the majority today. TODAY.

Which brings me to you, people who think a “mosque” (community center) shouldn’t be built “at ground zero” (2-4 blocks away from ground zero).  A place of worship (or in this case, basket ball, cooking classes, and prayers) is not a threat or an insult.  Islam is as responsible for the Trade Center attack as Christianity is for the murder of Dr.Tiller and the other abortion doctors who have been killed or attacked by extremists.  But that’s really not even the point.  The point is that in America, the freedom to practice one’s faith is one of those inalienable rights that are withdrawn from “the vicissitudes of political controversy” and ” beyond the reach of majorities and officials.” Inalienable.  Even if you don’t like them.

So I’ll say it: If we begin marginalizing a group of people because we don’t like some sects of their religion THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.  You know who else did that?  HITLER.  MAO. SAURON. INSERT TERRIBLE FREEDOM-HATER HERE.

In short, America isn’t easy.  But isn’t that the best part about it?

Preach.