The other day I received this letter as a forward:
Dear American liberals, leftists, social pro-gressives, socialists, regressives, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et. al.:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
2. We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
5. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
7. We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless home-boys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
9. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.
10. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
13. We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain.. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
15. We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Yugo station wagon you can find.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..
17. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.
18. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
19. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya,” or “We Are the World”.
20. We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
21. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.
22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.
John J. Wall, you have no idea how many times we have asked ourselves if this would be possible. Most of your terms sound reasonable, though I have to say I’m a little disappointed by some of your stereotypes. We get Yugo station wagons? Did you miss car day at the Fox News School of Leftist Generalizations? We get the hybrid/electric cars, thankyaverymuch. Before we proceed, however, let me make sure I have your demands correct.
We get judges and an organization that has been fighting for civil rights for almost 100 years, and you get guns and the military? I’m not sure “Democrats hate war” will hold up considering, um, all the actions of every elected Democrat of the last 10 years, give or take about 20. I also suspect you’re going to have a pretty hard time filling your ranks if you’re giving us the minorities and the poors. With that said, you can keep your military industrial complex and we will happily take the Judicial system and civil rights. I hope it works out for you!
We’ll definitely take green and new technologies off your hands. I honestly don’t care about Oprah, Michael Moore, or Rosie O’Donnell, but good job with the fat jokes! Those people do struggle with their weight! HILARIOUS! I can’t wait for a country free of our comics so that classic Republican humor can really thrive! You might be in Republimerica if… you’ve ever accidentally lit the smog around your house on fire with your unfiltered smokes!
You can have capitalism, though I doubt you have any better an understanding of that economic principle than you do the concept of socialism. We’ll take those progressive taxes and all the social programs they fund. I’m sure if you ask nicely your corporate overlords will let you sleep in one of their parking garages when you stop making them money. We’ll take the “welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless home-boys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens,” or to cut through your code, “brown people.” You can have your raging racism! You’ve given us “Hollywood” and “NBC,” but I assume that includes all of the “liberal media,” in which case I hope we’ll still be able to download your Fox News produced movies of nothing but Bible stories. They will make fantastic drinking games. I have to object to giving up “Judeo-Christian values” since we all know the Jews and liberal Christians over here are going to want to practice freely. We’ll be keeping our freedom of religion along with our civil rights, though it will actually apply to all religions in our country. And yes, we’ll take the “peace-nicks” (again, this is a little dated, can you get a newer version of Trite Clichés for Dummies?), protesters, and all those other people who dare to critically question the status quo.
You can continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right. That healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right. That healthcare is a luxury and not a right. Healthcare is a luxury. Sorry, in theory I know that’s your position, it’s just hard to believe that humans can actually espouse such unbelievable, inhumane bullshit out loud. You actually think that being able to not die of preventable conditions is something for only rich people. Sure, I might have called you racist, classist, and misogynist, but sometimes I forget that it’s not rhetoric, you actually have no problem letting the poor, disproportionately made up of women and people of color, die in the streets if they can’t find a way into one of the most corrupt systems we have, the heath insurance industry. Please, by all means, you take that. Have fun.
Trickle down economics is all yours. Which brings me to evidence-based policies, science, and education. You keep believing the only science you need is in a 2000 year old book, and trying to make that “trickle-down” shit work, despite it’s failure to help any non-rich person ever in the history of America. We’ll keep our evidence-based sex education, prison reform, environmental policies, and Keynesian economics. Oh yeah, and our universities, since there’s nothing you people hate more than education. I wish you luck with your for-profit doctors and their Genesis-based understanding of anatomy.
Which brings us to names and flags and songs. Listen, I like those songs and our flag, and I’m a little surprised you don’t want to just switch over to the good ol’ Battle Flag of the Confederacy, but I’ll concede. Considering we’re going to have all the artists, intellectuals, and general creatives (not to mention the gays!) I’m sure we can come up with something to replace them all.
All in all, John, I think this sounds like a pretty great idea. I look forward to our amicable split, and in the spirit of goodwill, let me extend the first invitation. If you ever get tired of your dirty, unregulated, uneducated, gun-littered, military state, where the only civil rights question is whether or not the rich can legally marry their bank accounts and the carcasses of the poor rot in the streets, you are more than welcome to vacation with us. You may have to pay some reasonable taxes on your vacation home, however, so I won’t expect to see you too soon.
Pisces and Cheese Enthusiast (Because titles are just facts about ourselves, right?)
P.S. We’ve already established that we’re taking Hollywood, so you don’t have to specify actors. That said, you can keep Kirk Cameron.
P.P.S. “P.S.” stands for “Post Script,” so a second post script would be “Post Post Script,” not “Post Script Script.” But then again, your new home puts no value on education, so I doubt it will matter.